How to classify any animal

Many years ago, my sister, Laura Whalen, and I came up with a new, simpler way of classifying animals. None of this kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus or species taxonomy nonsense. No more vertebrate or invertebrate. Screw your mammals, reptiles, crustaceans, insects and so on.

There are only two kinds of animals: weird dogs and weird cats.

Most animals (nearly all of them, in fact) are weird dogs.

The only animals that aren't weird dogs, are dogs. They are weird cats.

To help those of you who may struggle with this new binary classification system, I've designed a simple flow chart.

You're welcome.

What about dinosaurs? Easy. They are weird dogs. This will help to smooth out any arguments between creationists and proponents of Darwin's theory of evolution.

My good friend and former colleague, Joe Wass (for it is he), suggested to me earlier today that I might want to expand my theory to include "horrible cats".

New scientific evidence, @domeheid. Expand your animal ontology. Add 'horrible cats' to 'weird dogs' and 'weird cats' http://t.co/qju9H4MyVV
— Joe Wass (@joewass) October 8, 2014

I don't think this is necessary. They are simply weird dogs. You may wish to call them "horrible weird dogs". But they're weird dogs all the same.