Sunday 18 September 2005


I've added a new feature to my ickleReviews: a quickfire rating system so that you can see at a glance whether a movie is worth seeing, whether it's okay/kinda average, if it reeks to high heaven, or whether you should drop whatever you're doing and go watch it now, right this minute. To be honest, I'm not that fond of judging movies like this, but as my reviews are so numerous now, it makes them more user-friendly to have this frontdoor labelling. I'd give you that sort of answer if you asked me in person, so why not do it in print? I don't like the star rating, or the marks out of ten or a hundred. My guide is the way that Roger Ebert does it, although I have replaced stars with other symbols. He rates each movie on its own merit and never gives more than four stars for current releases. He does, however, have classic movies, which equates, somewhat, to my * rating. I don't think my opinion about these * movies will change. Some of them (e.g. the Befores by Linklater) are amongst my favourite films of all-time, but that is not to say they are to everyone's taste. If, however, you don't like them, let that be a sign that you have bad taste and should seek to cultivate it, you heathen. (What a Bloomsbury setter I can be at times!) The good ones (+) are usually top examples of their genre, or just generally a good, fun, harmless watch (most Woody Allen films fall into this category: you know what you're getting). The hohummers are the titles marked with =: these were, you know, okay to watch, but haven't really left an indellible mark on my consciousness and sometimes I struggle to remember what they were about. I rarely give out stinker ratings, but those marked with a minus (-) sink rather than swim, and good riddance to them: I hope the drowning hurt and gives you nightmares still in hell. The most eloquent and encapsulating word they deserve to describe them is the wonderfully succint west of Scotland adjective, pish. They bored me, or were just so dumb (Meet the Fockers, being the prime example) that I'd like to pass on my wisdom to others so that they don't waste their time as well. So here, short and sweet, is my summing up.

* a must-see: miss this and you're a damn fool
+ pooty good: a fair crack of the whip
= so-so: won't give you rabies, but don't break a leg to see it
- stinks royally: avoid like the plague

Now go watch some movies, dude!

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